Faulty Hearn

I’ve taken back plenty of CDs or DVDs in my time due to production flaws, but this is the first time I’ve ever had to return a book because it is faulty. Sure I’ve had books with problems before, ones that have fallen apart while I’ve been reading them - it’s like trying to read personalised confetti (in other words, bloody messy!) but that’s usually down to neglect on my part rather than the fault of the publisher (and before you call the book-police, this only happens to paperbacks – you know the usual things, like dropping the book in the bath, leaving it out in the sun so the binding just melts…? I don’t commit the same kind of crimes with hardbacks though, I can assure you!).

No, I never returned a book because it was faulty.
Until now.

I’ve been reading Lian Hearn’s Grass for his Pillow (the first book, Across the Nightingale Floor was pretty damned good, if you haven’t read it already), and reached page 34 before I was suddenly hit with several paragraphs of praise for Lian Hearn’s “prose” and “gripping tale”. Strange, I thought, (I've never read a book before where the author is promoted in the middle of their novel as well the beginning) but stranger still was when up came the title of the book again, followed by the rights page again, then the map etc, and finally page 1 again.

What the hell? I thought.

So I flicked forward to the second page 34 to discover it ended again rather abruptly, and then the book continued from page 83. I’d lost 49 pages!

I was a little miffed to say the least, as I was on the number 51 bus in Sheffield, stuck in traffic in the baking heat with now nothing to read except the whole beginning of the book again. So have I been unlucky, or is this a common occurrence?

And has anyone else suffered from faulty books before or are the gods having a joke at my expense?

Shameless? Me? Here’s my card…

Before you ask, this isn’t a reference to my fellow blogger, Shameless, but to the act of publicising one’s book (this book. actually). Roger, known for his quick hitting (and witty) plugs on his blog has been an inspiration for me, so I’ve been jumping on the whole publicising thing with a mixture of bold enthusiasm, and sometimes self-loathing. I’m still not completely comfortable with self-promotion, but I’m learning to buy into a certain self-image to gain some confidence (which is harder than it sounds).

So, I’m turning into an opportunist. I’ve used our regular house-hunting chores to plug my book to those people kind enough to let us look around their properties, such as the lovely couple we met last weekend. They were avid readers and once they discovered I was getting published next year (or rather prompted by me going into a now automatic spiel of “I need a study or quiet place so I can do my writing”), they were instantly interested and I spent fifteen minutes or so chatting about the book and books in general. It was fun actually, and made light of the whole-horrible-house-hunting thing which can be a little depressing.

This isn’t the first time during house-hunting I’ve promoted the book. I was doing it way back in November, but back then I only mentioned it in passing. Now I seem to be telling people when it gets published, where it can pre-ordered, even a potted blurb to get them interested. Hell, I’ve turned into a walking advertisement for the book, and it doesn’t come out for a few more months yet. And to sell my soul even further and find that place inside that knows no shame, I’ve even got some business cards printed. It seems sensible that I have something to “hand-out” when anyone takes interest in the book. In September I’ll step up a gear by getting some bookmarks printed, advertising The Secret War. And then who knows what else I shall “stoop” to?

Seriously though, self-promotion is something most writers must do, and for those who want to run from the lime-light, it is perhaps the worst part of the business. I am currently cherry-picking those practises that keeps my integrity relatively intact, and stops me breaking out into a cold sweat, but I know that eventually even those avenues will be exhausted.

Until then, my wife and I are still house-hunting and will no doubt meet more people who will be interested in The Secret War, and I will no doubt smile the big smile when I drop them a hint that I’m a writer – and then the spiel will begin again.

And again.

And - mercilessly - again…


Now where did I put those business cards?

Nik Markovina

One of the joys of the internet is rediscovering inspiration that you have either buried deep in your memories, or hidden in a box somewhere, only to be remembered and searched for on the web.

A few years back during our escapades around Australia and New Zealand, we visited the infamous Paddington Markets in Sydney, had some bizarre food and looked about the clothes and trinkets. Tucked away on one stall was some truly incredible artwork by a guy called Nik Markovina. To say the artwork is very Burton-esque would do it a disservice, because it is more than that – more than Gothic, more than satirical, but you get the very feeling of imaginative penetration that you rarely get from artwork these days. It was dark, it was inspiring, and peeled back the layers of my imagination with the precision of a brain surgeon.

It was one of Nik’s paintings that stirred me to write a childrens story (unpublished) called A World of Night, and should it ever find a publisher it would be fantastic to have Nik illustrate it.

The guy is, in my mind, a genius, and I’ve always lamented that I only bought a dozen of his print-cards rather than one of the canvasses (we were near the end of our six month travelling adventures and quite skint at that point!). I have Nik’s print cards hung in a nice frame over the desk now, watching over my writing-space, and sometimes just glancing up at the paintings is enough to prick my imagination, stirring up the boundless possibilities of the fanstastique.

Unfortunately it appears as though Nik’s presence on the net is limited to just a few of paintings on the DarkMagick site (which can be found here). So if anyone knows where Nik has moved to or what has happened with his paintings, I for one would be interested!


Postscript:
I've just found his site through another blog. Just click here to view...

My computer has melted

I am typing this with difficultly as my fingers keep sticking to the keys. I’ve recently had to peel the letter “p” from the third finger of my right hand, and the letter “a” is going the same way.
The air conditioning in the office has packed in and there is no flow of air at all here. For the record it is very hot, and if you are as unfortunate as I, and work in an office as part of the day-job, I pity you as I pity myself. If you choose to be surfing the 'net right now as the temperatures soar you are either:
a) seeking solace in the shade, or;
b) have amazing air-conditioning, because you would have to be bonkers to want to be inside at the moment (kind of reminds me of that old kids programme “Why Don’t you…”).

Needless to say, please don’t expect me to write anything constructive on the blog while temperatures stay this way – I’m finding it hard enough concentrating on writing The Burning Sands of Time , which right now is a very apt title.

Maybe I should try writing something like The Giant Ice Fields of Alaska .

Mmmm, ice.......

Dark Adventures

That sound you might be hearing right now – of munching, swallowing, and occasionally belching – is actually me, gorging myself on a very large piece of humble pie.
In a previous blog entry I mentioned that planning is a good thing – and I still stand by that - but as Sally mentioned it’s not a very good idea to plan to the nth degree, and sometimes characters have to take you places you didn’t plan for.

And so to Chapter 14 where something has happened I didn’t expect. The story has taken a turn for the grim. Its actually going down a very dark path I had not envisaged – “why is that surprising?” you might ask for a book that’s a historical-horror-fantasy, but when the scene is a torture scene, and the torturers are in fact the good guys, then yeah this is a dark path indeed.
Without giving away too much, the scene lasts a good three thousand words (but remember this is a first draft, so it might turn out shorter) and while I’m not entirely comfortable writing it (it is quite graphic), it is blurring those boundaries between morality and the fight between good and evil - which I didn’t expect from something that is in essence an old fashioned swash-buckling adventure (though populated with daemons, angels and vampyres).

Whether or not the scene will actually make it through to the final draft – who knows? But it does add to the characters in a way that I never believed possible before. It actually makes you sympathetic (to a degree) for the most despicable villains you can imagine and questions the morality of our “heroes”. And if writing can evoke strong emotions, and even greater questions about right and wrong, then isn’t that a good thing?

Post script Friday 13th:
It appears I’m not the only writer of swash-buckling adventure that is travelling down a dark path with their characters at the moment. Sarah and I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean 2 last night and those characters are definitely going through dark changes, morally and physically - makes me feel like I’m in good/bad company afterall.

Calling all mad scientists…

Imagine that life was so literal that someone who was - for example - “hopping mad” would actually be jumping about the office with the same demented and foaming expression as someone with rabies. Got that in your head? Now imagine someone with “writing projects coming out of their ears”. I expect you could probably imagine someone not unlike me, with a beard, rolling eyes, dribbling, muttering incoherently, with maybe rolls of paper stuck out of every orifice and a lap-top shoved right up his…


Well, you get the picture.

To be honest, that’s how I feel at the moment. There are so many projects I’m involved in now that I really do have them squirting out of every orifice, sometimes in the most undignified manner. At the end of Spring I announced I would start writing Smith in-between drafts of The Burning Sands of Time . I thought at that time it would not be so difficult squeezing in a fairly small book (about 200 pages) around the day-job, but that’s optimism for you.
As it stands, the first draft of The Burning Sands of Time is a month overdue, Smith is simply a pile of part-written chapters and notes, and I have two more projects to start!!! Aaaargh!
And what are the other two projects you might ask? Well, one is a web-based anthology I’ve mentioned before, about the Apocalypse – a slow burning series of short stories that covers the end of the world from the viewpoint of characters in good ol’ England – which will be viewed for free from my new website.
And then there’s an untitled TV project I’m going to collaborate on with a good friend of mine, Lee Harris. Lee is a gifted writer (as yet unpublished) with an eye for satire and a quick wit, tempered by an enthusiasm for all things fantastical. He and a friend are currently writing a sketch-show which is both funny and fresh, and harks back to the great comedies like The Fast Show.
But Lee also wishes to write a dark and creepy series for telly that will freak audiences out like no other telly series has done before. In other words something that’s right up my alley (if it weren’t for the lap-top that’s parked uncomfortably there!). For quite some time I’ve had an idea for a dark telly show called “Seven Hills”, so this new project may turn into a merged, slobbering bastard-offspring of Lee’s idea and that.
Which would be cool.
And it would scare the beejeezus out of any TV audience.


All of these projects would be great and I don’t want to marginalize any of them, but where the hell do I find the time for them?
I mean, I have a day-job as well. I have a wife too (who puts up with my creative turns!), not to mention friends and family.
Does anyone have any time-saving ideas that doesn’t include quitting the day-job (oh, I wish!)?
Or perhaps do you know anyone who has a number of clones for sale? They don’t need to look exactly like me, just enough to fool the wife and perhaps my boss*.


*Please note: I will only accept clones who bear at least a passing resemblance to me and are fully grown. And I won’t accept any clones who are in any way linked to The Office.

What to shout while in the nude

“Promotional work”: two words that strikes fear into the average writer.

Yep, I’ve mentioned this in a previous blog entry on the old Macmillan New Writing site a few months ago, but thought it a good idea to raise the same issue again as I gradually move towards January and the publishing date for The Secret War.

I’ve recently read in a few writers’ blogs how promotional work is the least favourite part of being published. I guess it’s that whole idea of standing up in front of critically minded strangers, and reading an extract of their book (ie being creatively naked), or doing a signing where you pray there are more than five people queuing up to buy your book so you don’t look like a dead loss (financially naked!). And then there’s the meetings and events where you mill about talking about your book, smiling, chatting, trying to say things that a) don’t offend, and b) don’t sound foolish (in other words, being socially naked). It’s all varying degrees of vulnerability at a time when you are trying to be the most confident. (Though there are some writers who love that kind of thing!)

So how should I handle all this?

In terms of my own promotional work, there is of course this blog, which (to a degree) I get to keep my clothes on, and have decided to do so ever since I was daft enough to publish a working draft of a book I was writing at the beginning of the year (I did so out of curiosity, but it’s strange that some of the writing community love to pick apart even first drafts until there’s nothing much left on the bones).
I guess you live and learn (well, sometimes anyway).
And then there’s the website that should be ready by the end of the summer (it’s been delayed, but then I’m not too bothered about that as the bulk of the promotional work shouldn’t really start until October). In September I attend the British Fantasy Society Convention and have been asked to do a little promo work there too. Not too much, but yeah I’ll be doing a little bit of self-promoting during the fan-boy stuff.

And then things begin in earnest. Macmillan New Writing will help me out on some stuff, but not everything, and some readings, workshops, signings etc will have to be organised by me and it’s something I’ve never done. So the question is (I suppose) what kind of promotional things can a writer do without resorting to running down the main street, stark-bollock-naked, while shouting yourself hoarse.

(Any pointers, tips, experiences and general words of advice will be well received as long as they are tasteful!).

And even if they aren’t, please tell me anyway! :-)